Moon Cycles and Regeneration

The moon has always fascinated me. Not only is it beautifully mysterious and important to many aspects of Earth's functions, but it has also had a great impact on culture, art, and mythology. In some cultures the moon is viewed as a goddess - a divine figure influencing intuition, healing, and the female spirit. Our moon, as intriguing as it is, still at its heart, is a simple, lustrous body that waxes and wanes, continuously cycling between the new and full moon every 28 days.

The end of 2010, will bring a full moon on December 21, the "Full Cold Moon." This coincides not only with the winter solstice, but also with a night holding a total lunar eclipse. I'd like to believe if all these forces can correspond so succinctly and miraculously in the celestial world, similar miracles can happen in the terrestrial world as well.

And I certainly am hoping for some miracles. This last stretch of time has been quite miserable for me. I've fallen from the grace of my encouragingly successful law school graduation into an abyss of my own creation. I did not pass the bar, and with it came feelings of ultimate inadequacy. It seems unreal that I worked so hard - giving it every molecule of my being - just to be deflated... punctured, without even knowing what I did wrong. Yet not only deflated and punctured, but wounded... with the notion that, again, I have to study. Again, I have to sacrifice my time, confidence, dignity, and $800, just to possibly feel the failure all over after the next go-around. The arbitrariness of the grading system is disheartening, and certainly does not assist in giving me the courage I need to pick up these corporeal pieces and start over. The question "what if I fail, again?" sits resolutely whirring and whirring in my head. 

But I suppose I must believe there are reasons for these experiences. Life is full of cycles  and polarities - yin and yang, new and full moon, winter and summer solstice. The tides, the ebb and flow, the marching on of the seasons. Everything orbits and cycles infinitely, tirelessly. So perhaps that's all this is - my bad cycle... my dark side of the moon. An experience in the trenches from where I can hopefully glean some positive force to propel me to heal and resurface, and to feel the keen sting of motivation yet again.

I've done my wallowing. I've cried my eyes and soul out. I've doubted every ounce of my existence and have beaten myself up quite sufficiently. In the spirit of the moon, with its cycles, healing energy, and everything else it stands for, I will make this truce with myself: a promise that I will do my best to not crumple and fall, to not drown myself in the agony of my failures, to (try to) start believing in myself, and to keep on trucking as I have the last 27 years even in situations far worse.

I'm ready for you 2011!