Milestone Reached

Muddled, muddled feelings. Relieved my shoulders feel light again. Anxious to return to my old ways. Fearful there is no job in sight. Happy to see and talk to friends and family again. Worried about how I'm going to pay upcoming loans. Delighted I can read non-academic books at my leisure. Nervous about the prospect of not passing and having to wait four months to find out. Thrilled to start half-marathon training. So many emotions I don't even know how to release them other than wanting to cry!

You'll be happy to know, though, yesterday I felt inexplicable, utter excitement - as if my body contained the sun bursting out of me. I felt accomplished. But today, not even sure what to do with myself.

These last three months have flown by so quickly I didn't even realize how much of an innate habit studying had become. For instance this morning I woke up at 6:30am, unable to "sleep in" as sleeping in has not been an option. Then I walked downstairs carrying my water glass and cell phone as I normally do, and almost put my glass and cell phone on the dining table to the right of my laptop, sat down, opened my laptop and went to open up my books (which are no longer on or near the dining table). Snapping out of it I couldn't believe the roboticism taking over. Instead, I thoughtfully put my water glass and cell phone on the coffee table and sat on the couch for a few minutes, reveling in the disparity between this morning and the last 90.

My task as of Monday will be to figure out a new routine, get all the errands done I've been meaning to, clean up the house, reorganize things, search for jobs, send out networking emails..... the list goes on and on.

Until then, as Dave Chappelle as Rick James would say "It's a celebration bitches! Enjoy yourselves!"

Can you guess what I'm getting at?

I obviously put no effort into being evasive.

Photos and Photos and Photos, oh my!

Looking at these wedding photos raised some wonderful memories of the incredibly, amazing day we had. The photographers, both amateur and professional, memorialized some critically beautiful moments that I am happy to say I can look back upon anytime I please.... and like all newlyweds, will probably look at over and over again!

John and I are very lucky. We have each other. We have a very incredible, unique set of family and friends. And we, by far, had the hottest bridal party I've ever laid my baby browns on!!!

This is probably overkill, and there are a TON of photos.... but you only get married once, right? Well, that's what reading my palm tells me :) So here are the links to more than you'll probably ever want or need!

note: Links to the slideshow and professional photos can also be found on our wedding website, www.johnandsaritha.com. Access available til Nov or Dec I think.

Slideshow (about 100 good ones out of the bunch)
http://feliciphotography.com/Showit/saritha-and-john/

Link to Felici's Website (same photos appear in the next two links - I uploaded them onto picasaweb) (password: nord)
http://felici.zenfolio.com/saritha-and-john

Pre-Ceremony, Details, Portraits (Same as on Felici's Website)
http://picasaweb.google.com/saritha.pt/WeddingPreCeremonyDetailsPortraits?authkey=Gv1sRgCNfo8v2c8NXSpQE&feat=directlink

Ceremony, Reception (Same as on Felici's website)
http://picasaweb.google.com/saritha.pt/WeddingCeremonyReception?authkey=Gv1sRgCNv__Ov4orupDg&feat=directlink

Disposable Cameras
http://picasaweb.google.com/saritha.pt/WeddingDisposableCameras?authkey=Gv1sRgCIWspqOljI-zJg&feat=directlink

Others Photos (what I have so far. There are some on facebook I haven't gotten copies of yet, so will add when I get them)
http://picasaweb.google.com/saritha.pt/WeddingOthersPhotos?authkey=Gv1sRgCIK6__q-p7fFmAE&feat=directlink

Henna Party, Rehearsal Dinner
http://picasaweb.google.com/saritha.pt/WeddingHennaPartyRehearsalDinner?authkey=Gv1sRgCO6UhNOy2fOXqAE&feat=directlink

Girls Getting Ready
http://picasaweb.google.com/saritha.pt/20100522WeddingGirlsGettingReady?authkey=Gv1sRgCKaY9Y2E7ryUlwE&feat=directlink

Take 1:

[Writing has been frustrating for me because I'm not as quick with the words or creativity as I used to be..... I'm not finding inspiration as quickly as I once did. But still I try, and try I must if I want to develop, improve, create. So here is my latest effort. I don't think I like it - but it's all part of the process, right?]

Floating. Fumbling. Bumbling. Breaking. Down. Into the complexity of a tangled mind. Tangled with thoughts, rules, principles. Tethered with hopes, wishes. Ephemeral blinks of consciousness. Conscious of a yearning flickering in the dimmer night. Dimmer but gleaning from a nuisance spiraling spinning. Whisking by with fervor of the moment. Fervor. Stemming from a simple memory of summer. A simple delighting in warmth and breeze. Breezing through time. Stumbling. Falling. Flailing……. With the acknowledgment….. it is all elusive. Marching. Forward. Onward. Significantly into the mired moment. Mired…. but only for a little bit longer.

A blessing and a curse

Generally I fancy myself a person who performs well under pressure - who can take the bull by the horns and kick its rear from here to Endor. However, I've found a nemesis I can't seem to overtake. Preparing for the bar has left me with nothing but feelings of inadequacy. As the hour draws nearer all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position, scream at the top of my lungs, drop my books, and run away. It's not that I'm incapable, there's just not enough time. They shove down your throat in three measly months thousands of pages of substantive material, about a hundred essays, infinite multiple choice questions, and a handful of performance tests leaving you no time to actually ingest the information. What's worse is they repeatedly tell you "you will not be able to learn everything, the goal is to learn the basics and try and slide by." Umm.... what?! How on earth is it rational to design an exam where even the brightest absolutely cannot learn everything necessary for the exam?

But it's not entirely the battle of the behemoth Bar that's most menacing. It's the idea that this is merely the beginning. The effort, energy, and mind power expended to learn the material, do the assignments, (try to) ignore the stress, and (try to) put away the doubts appear not to even be a scintilla of the effort, energy, and mind power needed to succeed in this career. It all feels so daunting.

Well, 22 days til the test starts - both a blessing and a curse. Certainly I am ready to be rid of it, but certainly there is not enough time to be fully prepared.

All this is leaving me cranky, grumpy, and likely intolerable (poor John). Never have I questioned entering the study of law until these last few months. And never did I think something like a mere test would make me feel so ineffectual. I've succumbed to my inner antagonist and it is starting to feel rather claustrophobic.