A blessing and a curse

Generally I fancy myself a person who performs well under pressure - who can take the bull by the horns and kick its rear from here to Endor. However, I've found a nemesis I can't seem to overtake. Preparing for the bar has left me with nothing but feelings of inadequacy. As the hour draws nearer all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position, scream at the top of my lungs, drop my books, and run away. It's not that I'm incapable, there's just not enough time. They shove down your throat in three measly months thousands of pages of substantive material, about a hundred essays, infinite multiple choice questions, and a handful of performance tests leaving you no time to actually ingest the information. What's worse is they repeatedly tell you "you will not be able to learn everything, the goal is to learn the basics and try and slide by." Umm.... what?! How on earth is it rational to design an exam where even the brightest absolutely cannot learn everything necessary for the exam?

But it's not entirely the battle of the behemoth Bar that's most menacing. It's the idea that this is merely the beginning. The effort, energy, and mind power expended to learn the material, do the assignments, (try to) ignore the stress, and (try to) put away the doubts appear not to even be a scintilla of the effort, energy, and mind power needed to succeed in this career. It all feels so daunting.

Well, 22 days til the test starts - both a blessing and a curse. Certainly I am ready to be rid of it, but certainly there is not enough time to be fully prepared.

All this is leaving me cranky, grumpy, and likely intolerable (poor John). Never have I questioned entering the study of law until these last few months. And never did I think something like a mere test would make me feel so ineffectual. I've succumbed to my inner antagonist and it is starting to feel rather claustrophobic.